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Yes, I agree. That WAS amazing.
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Archive for September, 2010
The Essence of Preselection
A blog reader sent me the distilled essence of the YouTube clip I posted earlier. I think he’s summed it up pretty well:
The important part…
Future on Qualification
Mr. M riffs on Inner Game
I was looking through the Lounge for some student questions to answer, and I saw this post exchange between Mr. M and a Love Systems student. I found Mr. M’s post to be particularly well argued, and I knew it would not see the light of day if confined to the Lounge.
Enjoy. The student’s words are plain, and Mr. M’s are bold:
*************************
I really like this girl I’m seeing. I am sleeping with one other girl at the moment with 4 or so more that I’m working on, but this girl is, I think, the one I want. I just wanted to say that because the answer to this does not seem to be “just game other girls”.
Yep, we all still fall or want a specific girl. It’s more her behaviour that causes this rather than usually her looks, although usually it’s both of these things together.
I’m confused because we’re great together, she’s not seeing other guys despite me seeing other girls (or so she says) and she’s introduced me to most of her friends.
On the other hand, she never initiates contact, responds at least an hour later to my texts, and comes across as cold, analytical and business-like at times. She also doesn’t give head, which I see as a really big sexual compliance problem. I thought this was just gamey bullshit she played at the start for the chase, and I played along but its been 4 or 5 months now and I’m over it.
Dude, sometimes that is just the way that girls are. Every girl has their nuances.
The problem is when we hang out, it is awesome, time flies and we have so much fun. Between meets, she sucks on the phone because she’s passive. She only texts in reply to mine and it feels like if I didn’t make any effort, we’d just never talk. She knows she’s passive, she knows I don’t like it, but she still acts the same. She’s talked about boyfriends who have been annoyed cos she never calls or texts first, and even with her close friends, they always initiate contact. Of course, I’m not cool with that and I’m willing to let her go if she won’t change.
I messaged her last week. We hadn’t spoken in 5 days
She sounds like me and the way I am with girls lol. Listen man, you can’t control her. The point isn’t to control her. It’s to realize that you’ll be OK with or without her. There is no point trying to change her. Funnily enough, I said this to a girl I was seeing. She was like “something has changed, you don’t call me as often or even at all sometimes etc etc”. The fact is, nothing had changed, but I just had other important priorities on in my life which I had to deal with and she wasn’t my primary concern. This didn’t mean that I didn’t care about her, it just meant that I wasn’t going to do a lot of initiating because I had a lot of other shit to do as well. She was literally going psycho on my ass because of this. Like getting really insecure and telling me that she didn’t like the way that I was acting. So I just met up with her and told her what I thought. Which was that I really did like her and liked hanging out with her, but there was just a lot more going on in my life than when we first met. It was the truth.
So I said to her, and it was God’s honest truth, that if she needed some more from me or any other guy, then maybe she needed another guy. Because I wanted ‘X’ (X at the time being not being in a serious relationship where I see her 3 times a week). Not because I wanted to fuck around with other girls, but because I had other priorities in my life. So she cried but eventually was like “OK, I understand, now I want to be Y”. And that is the way it has been since then.
My point is that I knew my boundaries and implemented them – not over her, but over my behaviour. It didn’t have anything to do with her, in fact. I COULDN’T spend the amount of time that I wanted to with her because if I DID, then it would be taking me away from my own passion and purpose and I would resent her for it.
Now, if I was in a more committed mindset, I might say to her that I want more commitment because I want a relationship in my life. And if she said “no”, I’d be like, ok, we can just be friends or just keep going seeing each other until I meet someone else. It is “game” but it’s not, because I mean it. It is the mentality that I need to take WITHOUT changing her, which puts me at ease and at peace with myself. Do you get it?
You can’t change her, so you have to make a mental shift as to the position or role that you see her playing in your life.
Me: (Her name) is your initiate text function broken? (kind of callback humour, but I was being serious as well)
Her: It’s always broken Aladin, you know this! P.s. I got your facebook invite, Yew!
Me: I really like you, if you don’t feel the same, that’s ok, but if you do then start showing it. I’m not psychic. I’m over this passive bullshit.
Her: But that’s just how I am, i cant change just like that! You know I like you i’ve told you 100 times before!
I didn’t reply
4 hours later
Her: You’re mad at me aren’t u, that’s not fair. I’d understand you getting pissed off if we were going out but we’re not!
Me: I’m not cool with the fact that we have such a good time together, and if i didn’t make the effort, we’d never even talk.
Her: That’s the thing, we would, just not every day or every second day. I don’t speak to Mel for 3 wks sometimes and she’s my best friend!
OK man, you’re being needy here. She doesn’t want commitment. That’s for sure. But let’s just say that we don’t know what she is thinking (which we don’t). Let’s say she does but she’s confused. Let’s say she wants other guys. Deal with it. Do whatever you have to do in your mind so that you see her, maximize the enjoyment from the time that you spend together, and leave the rest of the BS alone. For this girl, I would occasionally ping her, but due to the flakyiness, just put her in the “fun times” girl that I didn’t necessarily want for anything more serious. Do you get it?
The other thing is dude, being logical with her over text message isn’t going to change her behaviour. Change her mood, not her mind. Have fun times with her and with other girls and friends. Build your social life. Show that you have passion and purpose outside of girls and her. This long form attraction will help you.
I deleted the messages and I can’t remember the couple we exchanged after this, but I don’t know what to do from here. Looking back, I know my texts sound really needy and I regret sending them, but it’s done now and I can only move forward, despite how much value I’ve lost. I haven’t spoken to her in 5 days now and am considering just not doing anything. My birthday’s in 2 weeks and I’ll probably see her there. Should I just forget about her?
You have slept with her before right? This makes a difference. Just confirming.
What does all the inner game training tell you? It tells you that you should just not attach so much importance to her. Have so much going on and so many positive things that she becomes a girl from “Last Train To Cheyenne” i.e. I would love to have you here with my but I’m going for my passion and purpose. I’ll do my best to keep you and please keep me, but if you don’t, I might be able to catch the last train to cheyenne to pursue my passion and purpose. Is this clear at all?
YOU CAN’T CHANGE HER MIND. So change the place that she takes in yours. How do you don hits? By disrupting the patterns first – i.e. avoid thinking about her the way that you normally do and do everything that you can to distract yourself from her. Then, by realising she is not a special snowflake – see: http://www.theattractionforums.com/b…4-oneitus.html.
Since meeting Mr M, my world has been rocked over and over again. I don’t know if I want a relationship now since I really want to improve my skills with girls and go supernova in every part of my life. I am studying at uni but I don’t feel like this my “true purpose”. At the moment, I seem to be asking “Who am I going with” before “Where am I going” and I know this is wrong.
I’m happy to lose this girl if it sounds like the best thing to do.
What do you ever lose? Do you ever lose and not gain? Can a loss even happen without a gain?
Talk to Mark V, one of our new instructors without an arm and HE will tell you about loss. Or rather, about the gain of losing his arm.
You never fully lose anything, you just open up new opportunities for yourself.
This girl is symptomatic simply of the fact that you are growing up and biologically your frontal cortex has not reached maturity yet. The “WHO AM I?” and “WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE” are important questions that you SHOULD ask. And they are separate from any questions of this girl.
In Fire In The Belly, Sam Keen says that there are two crucial questions that a man must ask himself, and answer himself:
1) Where am I going?
2) With whom am I going with?
The biggest error, Keen says, is in asking them IN THE WRONG ORDER.
My man, you are still trying to figure yourself out. And that’s OK. You have to go through this process. As I said when I left Australia – “sometimes, to find yourself, you have to get a little lost”. You will one day come to terms with who you are, but in the interim, just focus on making yourself your BEST self in whatever way fulfils you. And go for it with 110%. Don’t dally about. Have passion and purpose. As Churchill said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation”.
As for her, she is just as confused as you are. Perhaps more so. Chicks 21 and below are all somewhat psychotic or unstable, especially hot ones. But DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT YOUR LIFE REVOLVES AROUND MUCH MUCH MORE THAN HER. And that EVERY SECOND that you spend ruminating about her (1) DOES NOT HELP YOU GET HER (i.e. you are far more attractive when you are doing your shit and inviting her to it, IF she wants to come (and if not, you’ll have a blast anyway – and if you are struggling to do this, then change your life)) and (2) more importantly, is a waste of a very precious life.
Man, I’m 28 now and being 23 was literally just yesterday. My only regret is the two years that I spend ruminating on a single girl. I don’t regret it because it is part of my character now, but I do regret it because of the time that I spent on it and the time that i could have spent on those precious years of my life.
Sa*&^, go have an adventure. Go become greatness in this world. Go effect change. And realize that to do so, you are going to have to struggle against yourself, as you are doing now, but the more you struggle, the more of a man that you become.
So, in summary, with regards to her – change the way she is in your mind. Change her place in your life if you have to or the way that you see it. Draw a boundary NOT WITH HER, but with your own behaviour and thoughts and if she comes back to you and says “what is going on”. Explain it calmly that you had to do this to be at peace with yourself.
In terms of your last paragraph, which you mentioned briefly, well, there is plenty of stuff on my personal blog which you now have access to (please do not share with anyone on this forum) on this – it is for my friends and family only. And I leave you with two quotes to help guide your decision:
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt
and
Sometimes to find yourself, you have to get a little lost
Hope that helps man.